


What we fear in the night

by Clocketpatch



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocketpatch/pseuds/Clocketpatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for the recent finale. A bit of Gallifreyan history and the Doctor tells Clara his secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we fear in the night

**Author's Note:**

> The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie  deliberate, contrived, and dishonest  but the myth  persistent, persuasive and realistic.  
>  _John F. Kennedy, 20th-century American president (from the Yale Commencement address, 1962)_
> 
> We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.  
>   _Abraham Lincoln, 16th American president (1809-1865)_  
> 

Sometimes, regeneration went slightly wrong.

Temporary mental instability or physical disability was common, especially in unassisted, emergency events. Usually, these issues dissipated after the first few traumatic hours (days, in the most serious cases) and the newly reborn Time Lord would be able to start properly enjoying their new body without further incident.

Often, the changes wrought by regeneration ran deeper than skin and bones. Personality changes were seen as a disagreeable, but unavoidable, side-effect of cheating death. Rather than risk learning to live with a shifting view of the world, Time Lords devoted much of their time and energy on intensively training their minds to one mould, one pattern of thoughts, one strict view of right and wrong. Thus trained, a Time Lord's personality might drift through various annoying quirks as their life progressed, but their basic self would remain true. A promise, reaffirmed in each new incarnation.

Sometimes, regeneration went very wrong.

A perfectly normal Time Lord might regenerate under the best of circumstances and wake up a monster. The medical terminology for it was _persistent regenerative psychosis_ , but in general parlance these failed regenerations were called Errors. The main symptoms were:

A total mental break from one's former trained personality traits

An inability to recall or be moved by one's prior morals or motives

A tendency towards criminal behaviour and megalomania; an unwillingness to follow Gallifreyan law or abide by common social contracts and values

There was no proof, but rumours persisted throughout the Citadel that erroneous regenerations were caused by mental attacks launched during the formative moments of a new incarnation's life. Under Gallifreyan law, Time Lords were not responsible for acts committed by their Errors if it could be proven that a complete break had occurred.

Under Gallifreyan law, all Errors had to submit to treatment upon diagnosis of their condition.

Most fled. Understandable, as the only accepted treatment meant being force-regenerated until the original self re-surfaced, and the faulty neural pathways were scraped clean from any lingering effect.

This treatment was not always successful. Force-regeneration was risky. Some died. Some never regained their former selves.

Those Errors who were unresponsive to treatment, yet managed to escape and live out their lives, passing their breakaway personality traits down from regeneration to regeneration had a name, feared and despised in polite Gallifreyan society.

They were the renegades.

*

"I was something different," the Doctor told Clara. "I didn't become a Renegade; I was born that way. I knew that, eventually, it would be noticed. As my first life drew to its close, I became afraid. While I was an unregenerated child, no one would charge me or force me into a treatment facility, but I knew that as soon as I had shed my first body they would come for me. And they did."

"I remember," said Clara. That aspect of her had saved the Doctor's life and freedom, but his friend's memories and his second incarnation's body had been the price. "They put you in the machine — but then they exiled you. Why would they exile you if they didn't think you were responsible for your actions?"

The Doctor smiled wanly. "Because they knew what I was. They'd been aware of what I was since before I left Gallifrey. They let me live, because they thought I might be useful to them later. It's a dirty secret our society had about its renegades; we were all tamed rebels. We could have been snuffed out in an instant if the High Council had really wanted us gone, but they were bored and our antics were _amusing_ to them."

"And _him_ ," Clara said, not wanting to name the man the Doctor said was a part of him, the betrayer of the promise.

"He was an Error," the Doctor said. "A true Error. He went back to Gallifrey and acted contrite, acted like a proper Time Lord. He denounced the name of Doctor and was forgiven for his crimes against the universe. He joined the High Council and was part of the committee which raised the Ghost of Rassilon."

"But that's not the secret," Clara said.

"No," the Doctor confirmed.

"What did he do?" Clara asked. "It had to have been something extremely not nice for you to have completely disowned him."

The Doctor gave a small laugh. "Not nice? That's a way of putting it, Clara. Yes, I expect that what he did was very, 'Not nice'."

"You don't know."

"Not in detail."

"But you have his memories."

"I have the knowledge that those memories exist. I keep them locked away. Even Mr. Clever didn't manage to access them, not even the Old God. I have buried him and what he did. I have laid more locks on him than the Pandorica, because _he_ is the reason that prison was built."

"Doctor, do you know or don't you?"

"You've been up and down my time lines, Clara. You know my signature. What do you think?"

"The Time War," Clara said, with absolute certainty. "He had something to do with the War." She swallowed. "He was the one who pushed the button, wasn't he?"

The Doctor looked at Clara, staring deep into her eyes, eyes that had seen all of his lives and yet still understood so little.

"Oh Clara…" he said, "Clara Oswald, the impossible girl, the things you must've seen… but not that, I suppose. The Great Intelligence wouldn't have gone there. Why bother? There was nothing it could have possibly done to have made that moment worse."

"But —" Clara started, and it was clear that she was about to offer trite comforts: _But, Doctor, you had to. But, Doctor, it wasn't your fault. But, Doctor, in the name of peace and sanity…_

He cut her off before she could get that far.

"No. Yes, Clara, I know the peace you want to offer me, but you're wrong. He wasn't the one to end the Time War. I did that. In my own name. And I will never forgive myself for it or attempt to justify my actions with words like peace, or sanity, because when I made that decision neither of those words still existed. But it was still my choice, Clara, to do or not do, and _I did_. _I_ used the Moment. _I_ listened to the screams of ten thousand Dalek ships on fire. _I_ made the choice which destroyed my planet and _I_ left my own people to burn. In. My. Own. Name."

His voice rose as he spoke until he was all but shouting the last sentence.

"Doctor…" Clara said, uncertain if she was trying to get his attention, to ask a question, or to confirm the name he'd ended the War with.

"Yes," the Doctor said, and it could've been a confirmation, or an invitation for Clara to continue talking. She took it as the later, though his face was stony and his hands were trembling from the confession he'd already made.

"If he didn't…" she asked, softly, "What did he do?"

A Doctor breathed deeply. He closed his eyes for a long moment, composing himself before he gave away this, his greatest and most damning secret:

"He didn't end the War, Clara, _he started it_."

 

 

 

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=50781>


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